THE POWER WE POSSESS

Sometimes I believe lies. Lies that say individuals don’t change anything. Lies that say giving is only okay when receiving. Lies that say we don’t possess power to give significance to our reality or say we are passive participants in our world. Lies that create problems like poverty, lies that leave people alone, sick and poor. The thing about these lies is that they create a lifestyle that is based of falsehood, an entire existence based on lies. These lies tell me to forget about suffering and to strive for comfort, lies that tell me to run for achievement and run away from challenge. These lies perpetuate complacency, self-pity and the need to only have immediate gratification. The more I discover these lies and can recognize them for what they are the more my hope for the future grows. Not hope that world will somehow be cured of its ailments but hope that I possess power to affect my reality and the reality of those around me. Everyday I wake up and enter into a battle with myself to turn from these lies and to run towards the truth that we are to love people around us. The truth is love is harder than it seems and I’m not so good at it but now that I have seen love I will never go back to having comfort in these lies. Through failure and frustration I will not go back to accepting the lies.

So, I have not been very devout to my blog, but today is a new day. I wonder if anyone will even check this thing? If you are thanks, you make me smile! The funny thing about putting words on the internet, even in an e-mail, is that they are there forever. I would love this blog to be light maybe even funny but that might not happen – for now it will just be honest. I have been in Uganda for about five weeks and I don’t think I can really talk about my time without talking about Recheal’s death. But to be honest I don’t really want to because I don’t know how. I’m not sure what is appropriate, respectful, or needed, but it seems like I should start off my blog with that because everything else is less than that. For now, please understand that she was a dear sister, daughter, friend, and leader in our community and for me her death signifies a before and after. There is before Recheal died and there is after. I wish I could spell out every detail of that day so you could know what I experienced but it was an experience that was not my own it was a shared experience of people who lost a 13 year old girl who touched many lives. If we ever have the chance to talk about Recheal please ask me about her life, I would love to share her story with you. All of that is to say that as you read my thoughts please know they are a product of a grieving community, a 180 in perspective and a 23 year old girl in the middle of Uganda trying to make sense of a world that is detached from everything she was taught from religion, love, God, innocence, Truth, faith and family. I wish I could write you and tell you that I am single handedly changing the whole country of Uganda, wouldn’t that make this a great blog? Well that is not the case. I am just here, doing my best and most times that feels so inadequate at living. It is scary being in a foreign place, living with strangers and trying to make a home in a place that is constantly reminding you that you do not belong. Wow, is all of that too honest for a simple blog? Let me know. Until then I will keep it real. These last few weeks are filled with one second loving being here and the next wanting so much to be home where life is planned and easy. It is funny even in my biggest struggles at home it is still easy because it is my life and that control is comfort. That is the biggest difference in being here. I am learning everyday that it is not about me. This is an adjustment that is hard to admit and is harder to accept. Life is not about Deirdre Megan Kiely and it is not about any of the people that I am working with. It is about all of us, we are a unit and each of us on our own is small, insecure, proud, neurotic, and fearful of the future but together we can create something beautiful - some strange subculture on the other side of the world that truly wants to love God and love others and we fail and succeed everyday. Community is what I am learning about and I do not always like it, because again it is not about me. My moods don’t matter, my agenda doesn’t matter, my past, my future and my insecurities don’t really matter. I’m starting to get over myself and everyday it is a choice to put a smile on my face because I am not used to living in a unit and I am not used to actually fighting the urge to live for myself.

Arrived.

I made it. Lost one bag but still have my sanity. It feels good to be here but at times can be overwhelming. Miss you all!!!!